


On Swimwear & Cryptids: An Alien Trope Blurb

by FlaringDichotomies



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blurb, Pre-Sburb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 13:32:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10617930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlaringDichotomies/pseuds/FlaringDichotomies
Summary: Jade incites an unexpected amount of discomfort and questions when she sends her friends matching swimsuits.~~~Happy Birthday Homestuck!





	

 

It started as a deceptively innocent group chat two months ago, celebrating the approaching end of the sixth grade.  Had you known the dangerous turn the conversation would take, you would’ve chucked your desktop right out the window or perhaps smashed it with a hammer.

 

Alright, you wouldn’t risk breaking your only means of communicating with your friends.  You  _ definitely _ would’ve unplugged it, though.

 

Now, hidden away in your room from the July sun, you sit, regretting your inability to simply wave your hands and change fate.  That old conversation sits open on your desktop.  Your gut churns more every time you read it, yet you couldn’t bring yourself to delete it.

 

GG: i still dont understand why you guys get so excited about summer break every year! i would totally love to go to school!!

TT: Not all of us have the fortune of being homeschooled.  Trust me when I say you aren’t missing out.

TG: middle school is where cool goes to die

TG: you will find neither this tanned hide nor fine strider hair within a mile of that stinkhole

TG: or would

TG: if i wasnt chased to school every morning

EB: haha same.

EB: if i don’t get out of bed on time, my dad sets up these pie launching rube goldbergs outside my door.

TT: Surely neither of you are quite reluctant enough to attend your respective institutions to require such drastic means?

TG: get those blasphemous words out of here

TG: reluctant

TG: like i only partially dislike school

TG: or some other part baked resent

TG: i do not half ass anything

TG: i HATE public schoolfeeding

GG: feeding??

TG: i dunno its a thing those trolls say

GG: omg you still talk to them!? theyre so mean! >:(

TG: yeah but giving them the verbal one two is funny as heck

TT: I find that concerning. A sudden aggressive streak may be indicative of an underlying stressor that isn't being properly managed.

TG: youre a stressor

TT: Mature.

TG: okay seriously though

TG: i know you hate school as much as us

TT: I don't doubt it. However, I need that perfect attendance plaque to present to my mother at the end of the year. It’s the ideal tool to simultaneously emphasize my continued strain toward the role of an impeccable, high achieving daughter and my desire to spend as little of my time in her presence as possible.

EB: i don't think that's worth going to school for though :/

GG: quit being such bummers you guys!

GG: youre supposed to talk about what youre looking forward to in the summer!!!

GG: not what you hate about school.

EB: i mean

EB: summer won’t really be much different though?

EB: aside from not having to go to school.

GG: laaame.

GG: what about hiking? or wildlife hunting?! or beach parties!!

TG: hah

TG: beach parties

TG: good one

EB: hehe yeah. i don’t even own a swimsuit.

GG: no way!

GG: no way no way!

GG: everyone owns a swimsuit or two!!

TT: I beg to differ. I do not in fact own any swimwear.

TG: likewise

GG: you guys all suck

GG: i am so sending everyone matching swimsuits!!! and you will enjoy the beach. this is happening.

TG: what no

TT: That’s hardly necessary.

GG: lame!

EB: forget i said anything.

GG: lame lame lame

GG: lame lame lame lame

GG: i even have some picked out already!!!

 

\-- GardenGnostic shared file bffsmatchingyay.jpeg --

 

GG: i just have to print them out of the wardrobifier and ship them!

TG: jade

TG: you cant print clothes

GG: i can and i will!

TT: I will concede this argument given the condition of the one piece being mine.

GG: no stupid. the one in purple is for you!

TT: Then I’ll have to decline your gift and any obligations that may accompany receiving it.

GG: too late! i already punched in all your dimensions and am printing them now.

EB: i seriously don't think i’ve ever shared any sizes with you.

GG: i visited your tower when i was dreaming and measured you!!!

EB: uhh

EB: what?

TT: Jade, dear. I wouldn't put too much faith in measurements you dreamed up.

GG: its harder since john is dumb and wont wake up, but i think i got it, dont worry!

EB: wait. are you saying you had a dream about me?

GG: of course! i dont visit you every time i sleep, but youre always there.

EB: ???

EB: always?

EB: and you uh

EB: apparently do stuff that

EB: i’m not sure i want to think about this anymore. 

GG: of course youre there!

GG: where else would you be when you cant get up and leave your tower?

TG: this whole thing turned real weird real quick

TT: Yet it’s also become quite a fount for analysis.

GG: oh! theyre done printing :) im going to go get some boxes. talk to you all later!!

GG: btw im totally expecting photos! :D

 

\-- GardenGnostic signed out --

 

TG: shit

TT: And there we have the accompanying obligation I would like to avoid.

EB: but i look weird in a swimsuit. :(

 

Thus, for the past two months, you have constantly dreaded receiving a package in the mail.  Today, it finally happened.  From your second story view of modern suburbia, you spied your father pulling a slender, green parcel from the mailbox.  Perhaps you could simply tell your friends that the swimwear was confiscated by your questionably well intentioned guardian.

 

As it was, you might never get the box from him in reality, either.  You already have to work yourself up to confront him  _ without _ such an undesirable end result draining your motivation.  Each time you have your hand on the doorknob, you somehow end up sitting on your bed with a handful of permanent markers and are nowhere closer to obtaining that swimsuit.

 

Your indecision is rendered moot when you hear a knock.  You freeze.  After a solid minute of silence, you cautiously open your bedroom door.  On the floor rests a note, a plate of cookies, and  _ the package. _

 

Darn it.

 

You deposit everything on your desk.  Ignoring the note and treat, you tear into the green wrapping.   _ Please be the wrong size.  Please be the wrong size.  Please be wrong. _

 

You like to think your hope isn't misplaced, but it's brutally squashed when you hold the trunks up in front of you.  They're… perfect.  Jade’s dream measurements were dead on.  Sometimes, you think questioning the eccentric girl is a lost cause.

 

Miraculously, it takes another five days before you're caught with all four of you online at the same time.  Despite the extra week (and original two months) to think about the problem, you still haven't the slightest inkling what to say to your friends.  Best case scenario, you convince them this is a bad idea without telling them why.  You don't know how to achieve this result, especially not with a friend like Rose.

 

GG: finaaaaaally!

GG: pictures pictures pictures

GG: heres my one piece!!

TG: about that

 

\-- GardenGnostic shared file itsmegg.jpeg --

 

TT: Very cute.

EB: seconded!

TG: saved as my wallpaper

GG: thanks!! :D

GG: okay someone elses turn.

 

You wait, expecting Dave to be an enthusiastic second.  He tends to spam you with photos of himself, an endeavor he considers humorously contrarian.  You also find the pictures hilarious but mostly because Dave always has a straight face, no matter how unusual the scenario his photography portrays. You can't imagine now would be an exception.

 

Nothing happens.

 

Your two extremely verbose friends didn't so much as comment.

 

GG: guys?

GG: hello??

GG: im going to be so upset if you all left at the same time! >:(

TT: I am still accounted for.

TT: I was simply waiting on Dave and John.

TG: oh no

TG: i was waiting on you and eb

TG: gotta save the best for last here

EB: wait

EB: are you guys nervous

TG: i dont do nervous

TG: im a stone cold mofo with nerves of steel

TT: Are you perhaps making an attempt to turn the lens of analysis back on me? I’d be happy to advise you on the process, but I fear you are entirely incorrect.

EB: cause im super nervous, but i thought that was just me.

GG: ??

GG: why? whats wrong?

TT: Please try to sympathize, Jade. More than one user in this chat seems to experience misgivings about their appearances.

TT: It could even be considered a normal experience, with some extremes being qualified as mental disorders.

TT: Not to imply that there is any reason to have misgivings here.  On the contrary, I’d like to emphasize that any judgement I pass on you three is entirely in the spirit of positive construction.

TT: Entirely.

TG: goes without saying tentacles 

TG: chill as snowcones in here

TG: this is the opposite of judgement city

TG: the whole judicial system is banned

TG: no judges allowed

TG: trying to press charges against the sheer level of awesome going on?

TG: too bad

TG: gotta find another chat

TT: I concur with the sentiment. Well put, Strider.

TG: thank you

 

The chat stalled another minute.  You’re torn between laughing at yourself and straight up fleeing before you do something stupid.  Your friends are the coolest!  Even if Rose meant the opposite of what she said, none of them would stop being friends with you just because you look weird.  You hope?  They're incomparable to the students at your middle school.  Still...

 

TT: …

TT: It seems, despite our agreement, we both still hold some apprehension.

TG: maybe yeah

TT: Terribly sorry, Jade. I may have to withdraw from this little group activity.

GG: no its okay!!! im sorry i didnt know you guys would be so uncomfortable :(

EB: hang on a sec.

 

Giving yourself no time to second guess your decision, you discard your clothes and pull on the trunks.  You attempt a pose in front of one of your favorite posters and snap a photo of yourself.  (Who are you kidding; they're  _ all _ your favorite posters.)  Despite your best effort to mimic Dave’s effortlessly suave aura, you look rather sheepish.

 

GG: :?

EB: alright i think i’m ready.

EB: sorry if this is a little strange.

 

\-- EctoBiologist shared file itsmeeb.jpeg --

GG: yay it fits!!!

TG: uhh

TG: john

TT: Pardon if this is a bit forward, but your navel appears to be missing.

TG: did you photoshop out your bb

 

You cringe.  Even when they praise you, you can't help a sneaking suspicion that your friends think of you as just some lame kid, and they're completely right.  The most interesting thing about you is that you’re a freak, and now they know.

 

TG: cause that would be a kickass photoshop job

TG: looks totally real

TG: teach me your ways senpai

EB: i wish i knew how to use photoshop. :(

EB: sorry i’m

EB: well i’m not normal.

EB: my dad says i’m from space? and we aren't 100% sure i’m human?

EB: ugh, i sound as stupid as those trolls right now.

TG: aww bro

TG: no thats totally sick

TT: You thought we’d think lesser of you. I’m so sorry, John.

GG: guys im really confused.

GG: whats not normal about the belly button thing? i don't have one.

 

You stare, trying to wrap your head around Jade’s comment.  The girl wavers between whimsy and nonsense, so you shouldn't be surprised, but you can't even begin to comprehend this one.  It refuses to process.  The chat stalls for a third time, an entirely unprecedented phenomena in years of group conversations.

 

\-- TurntechGodhead shared file myradsuittg.jpeg --

 

\-- TentacleTherapist shared file sharedafflictiontt.jpeg --

 

TG: holy shit

TT: This is unexpected.

TT: If I am inferring correctly, none of us have external evidence of a natural, human birth?

 

It hits you all at once.  You aren't alone.  You have no idea of the implications of this- how could you possibly guess.  Nonetheless, you feel warm, and you love your friends more than ever.

 

TG: seems like it

TG: jegus

TG: its already crazy having one friend tell you theyre an alien

TT: But all of them?

EB: that's just unbelievable!

GG: i dont think were on the same page. :(

TT: Jade, would you mind clarifying a point for me?

TG: how could you possibly think regular people lack bbs

TG: placenta scarring

TG: mammal birthmark

TG: round abdomen laceration

TG: giant tummy scab

TG: is this not ringing any bells in there

GG: none of the people i know have belly buttons!

GG: just people on tv.

TT: Which includes who, if I may?

GG: bec grandpa and the chess people

GG: oh and you guys of course! :)

EB: you already knew?!

EB: well now i feel even more dumb for worrying about this for two whole months.

TT: Likewise.

TG: so

TG: next obvious question

TG: where are yall from

TG: howd u get here

TG: legend has it im actually lucifer

TG: a star fell from the sky

TG: and in its wake

TG: there i was

TG: wreaking havoc on lower houston

TG: this pale af ninja baby attacking everything in sight

TG: until this demon slayer watanabe no tsuna shows up

TG: aka my bro armed with an actual anime sword dropping in on an actual crime scene like he thinks hes an actual super hero

TG: so he pins tiny me in an instant

TG: takes me home

TG: feeds me some soup

TG: and im off to slumberland like nothing happened

TG: i trashed a whole city block cause i was hungry

EB: really??

TG: no joke

TG: https://www.gbibugel.loky/archive/11009245-space-debris-falls-on-city-survivors-mauled-by-toddler/

TT: How intriguing.

TT: There are very few details available about my own appearance, as it seems everyone that encountered me -before my mother that is- suffered a sudden onset of clinical insanity.

TT: https://nationalparks.gov/news/archive/rainbow-falls-park-closed-until-further-notice/

TT: https://cryptidwatch.loky/fluthlu-sightings/rainbow-falls-closing-sulfur-contamination-or-zoologically-dubious/

TT: I don't know anything further about my own origin or why my mother was unafflicted, though I've done some research on the matter.

TG: how about you eb

EB: :(

EB: i don't have a cool backstory or anything

EB: https://washpost.loky/local-news/archive/joke-shop-crushed-by-meteor/

EB: https://washpost.loky/eulogies/jane-egbert/

EB: my dad says he doesn't blame me but it still makes me sad sometimes.

TG: oh that sucks

TT: I’m so sorry.

GG: maybe youll get to meet your nanna someday! ;)

EB: err

EB: she passed away, jade.

EB: id really like to meet you guys though!

TT: I look forward to our surely inevitable rendezvous myself.

TG: gonna be a party

GG: more like a game!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short thought. Thanks for reading! 
> 
> <3 Flare
> 
> EDIT: I was playing Quiplash, a quiz game part of the Jackbox series, and the question came up "what would be a better name for the belly button?" I neglected to tell my friends I previously spent several hours on this question. They loved my answers though.


End file.
